Joe's Problem

TRIGGER WARNING: Some of the words and topics in this blog may be too graphic for some readers.  As well, some words may trigger anxiety.

On Youtube, I follow this friend of mine who happens to be a transman.  I’ll call him Joe, and he’s small like I am, though a little younger by a four years.  I like to keep up to date with him because I feel that we endure a lot of the same struggles as small guys; we both have a lot of the same sensitivities because of our lack of height in our preferred gender. 

I had talked to you once about male privilege and about how, upon transitioning from female to male, the way people perceived and treated me as a female is way different from the way people perceived and treated me as a male.  In a nut shell, it goes without saying that the unfortunate reality is that males have an advantage over females in today’s society – absolute equality does not exist, no matter how hard we’re all trying to change.  We are not there yet.

But, what happens if you’re already male, but smaller than most other males?  There is a sub-category of discrimination that I feel is more subtle than the dichotomy (inequality) between males and females.  Taller males are at an advantage over smaller males.  It’s something that society made up, but is also something that nature has contributed to our mindsets.

Naturally, the bigger an animal, the more “frightening” it will seem to smaller animals.  T-rex could scare the crap out of smaller dinosaurs on any given day, and would probably kill them when they’re hungry.  Bullies at school are often bigger and act tougher than those who are bullied.  The point is, in my opinion, we’re hard-wired to be submissive and more cautious to things that are much bigger than we.  However I think society ballooned this intuition by putting it in our heads that bigger is better, more impressive, more aggressive and most of all, more important.

Where does this leave smaller guys when compared to bigger guys?  Statistics show that people will naturally follow a bigger person, than a smaller person.  People will pay more attention to a bigger person than to a smaller person.  Often times, the smaller person is pushed to the side.  This isn’t to say that this is always the case; history has a plethora of examples that exhibit the contrary – look at Napoleon and Martin Luther King Jr. 

But I’m saying, as a small guy like my friend Joe, we face this ‘pushed to the side’ effect on a daily basis.  Sometimes, when I’m talking among a group of people, the others don’t pay attention to what I have to say; instead, someone would interrupt me and people would then respond to what they’re saying and forget that I even opened my mouth.  Sometimes, if I’m waiting on line, like say at Guitar Center, and a bigger guy comes in, an associate would help that bigger guy first until I step in and say, “excuse me, I was here first.”  You wouldn’t think this is a big deal, but as a small guy, I see it as acutely as I saw how different people treated me when I was still female as compared to now, as male.  All these subtleties may not make it to the eyes of other people, but I feel it, blaringly.  And it’s happening every single day.

In the back of my mind, this has always been one of the main factors that contributed to my dysphoria.  I find myself saying, “Why can’t You make me at least a little bit taller, God?  Please??”  I find that I’m constantly comparing myself to other guys, seeing the effects of muscle growth on bigger bones: bigger musculoskeletal structures.  Jealousy rises and screws with my head.

This coupled with my still existent flabby breasts renders an unwelcomed agitated mind: I’m in for a sleepless night as I’ll be thinking about how all my clothes don’t fit me right and I still have to wear a damn sports bra and people physically have to look down at me to talk to me.

And I’m not even talking about sex yet.

It seems that nothing can escape the clutches of the ‘bigger is better’ motto, even penis size.  I’ve seen it and heard it dozens of times.  When asked, “Does size matter?” the person the question is directed to usually blushes before saying yes, whether they’re male or female.  There are penis pumps and even clitoral pumps.  This is the ballooning effect made literal.  Men feel that if they have a small penis, they won’t be as impressive in bed as if they had a bigger penis.  On the offshoot of this, some women wish to have breast enlargement because they think it’s more attractive.

But where does this leave me, as a transguy?  My trans-dick isn’t nearly as big as a biological dick, no matter how much I want it to be.  When I watch porn, I get especially turned on by heterosexual sex involving creampies.  I wish to emulate this one day with my future girlfriend, but unfortunate, that’s physical impossible.  Will I be able to penetrate her?  Maybe, if I’m lucky, but chances are, I will not.  Will she be “eating” me, or will I be receiving a blow job?   I hope to say the latter, but I just don’t know.  And finally, I can’t produce cum, not matter what.  I can’t even squirt.

When I first started testosterone, I didn’t realize how many insecurities were going to not only rise up, but be more agonizingly tantalizing.  Just like what I said with gender inequality: I’m close, but I’m not there.  I am in between, shaded in gray.

This goes to show (and I believe this to be true for all trans-people) that transitioning and going on hormone replacement therapy isn’t a cure-all for all your dysphoria problems.  It helps to alleviate many dysphoria issues, but it doesn’t permanently fix them all – having gone through surgery or no surgery.  When I finally do get top surgery, I will still sport scars on my chest that’ll never go away.  If I ever decide on bottom surgery (which, if that were the case, I’d choose metoidioplasty,) my new dick would still be relatively diminutive in size.  And most importantly, mentally, a little part of me will still say that I’m…. I’m…. fake.

That is the worst feeling.

In Joe’s Youtube video, he talks about these topics in a serious tone.  He looks straight into the camera as if speaking to a priest during confession.  He lays down the facts and his sadness.  But at a certain point in the video he turns things around. 

He says how lately, he’s been working on accepting himself as a transman, than as a biological man.  Acceptance of yourself in your body is key (notice that I say body, instead of assigned sex.)  Joe has had a history of sexual problems with his girlfriend-turned-fiancé, mainly because these two years he’s been with her, he’s always pictured in his head that he had a natural penis while having sex with her.  In his mind, he didn’t feel that he was pleasuring her enough, no matter how many times she tried to re-assure him that she loved him for him.  In his mind, he couldn’t believe that because he didn’t like – he didn’t accept – what he had as his genitalia.

However, now, he has come to this realization and is trying to accept his body and the parts of it that he can’t change.  This was a huge step for him to do – in addition to accepting the fact that his fiancé is much taller than he.

I’m proud of Joe for making this realization and only wish that I can do the same.  Perhaps, with more time and more experience with dating and having sex with girls, I will.

But for now, I’m working on how I present myself to other people, despite my lack of height.  I told a good friend of mine once that, as a minority, you have to represent yourself and the ‘class’ you’re in, in a good light.  Although I am a small guy at work (with a lot of energy,) I must say – and I don’t mean to brag – that there are a lot of people who look up to me.  Co-workers come to me for advice and for help. Time and time again, both customers and new co-workers suggest that I should be a manager.  This is all validating for me because it proves that I’m representing myself as a small guy who can be a leader, much like Martin Luther King Jr. or Napoleon.  However outside of work, I’m treated differently. 

There seems to be a default mindset in people’s heads: if you don’t know someone you automatically judge them based on physical characteristics such as their size and gender.

It’s all unfortunate, but we must make the best of it.  This is what I’m learning as I continue on my journey.