That Extra Pump of Vigor: Giving Thanks and Moving Onward

They say the New Year brings an extra oomph, that extra pump of vigor, to people’s determination to meet their goals that they may not have met the previous year.  I feel like one of the most obvious places we see this is in gyms.  Statistics show that more people join gyms in the month of January than during any other month of the year, reason being that it is around that time – the time of the coming New Year – that people make lifestyle changes in their exercise regimen to better themselves physically.  In fact, it is during the month of January that most gyms will offer “exclusive” deals that you just can’t beat anywhere else!  It is because they are expecting a stampede of promising new clients.

February is when most people realize that they had just joined a gym that they are paying monthly bills for.

However, in addition to making me fall prey to the idea of bettering myself physically, which I have done and kept up with eh hem, the ferment of the New Year brings a moment of reflection to the forefront of my mind.  It is without any shadow of a doubt that I am not the person I was in high school, or even college, which was four years ago.

It’s been over a year since I started testosterone.  I started on September 4th, 2013.  So to be exact, it’s been one year and around four months.   It is so mind boggling to me to realize the full extent of the power of time.  When I started testosterone, I cannot emphasize how much I looked forward to seeing the physical changes that would take charge of my body.  It was torture to me to go through day after day trying to see any real noticeable changes because time was relatively slow.  Then there came a point where taking injections of testosterone became a routine thing that was equivalent in normalcy to showering or eating breakfast or buying coffee each morning.  When I reached that point, I believe that was when time started to be relatively faster. I wasn’t being tortured going through day after day because before my eyes I will have gone through week after week, and then month after month.  It’s astounding to be under the spell of time and its persistence.

A timeline of photos of me dating from childhood, to teenage years and adolescence and to early adulthood would display progressive versions of me as time elapses.  Not only am I aging year after year, I am also changing physically on a platform different from general maturation: I am going through a metamorphosis, more commonly phrased as a transition, from female to male.

I say progressive versions of me because the term ‘progressive’ implies improvement, advancement, and reform (which is a term meaning changing for the better.) Not only am I getting older, I am also improving myself, just as many people want to improve themselves at the gym in the month of January.

These improvements that I impose on myself are multi-layered, brought on by way of medical intervention, changes in mental and emotional mindsets, changes in my lifestyle and social interactions.  All together, and with a stroke of good faith and little sprinkles of luck here and there, slowly but surely, I am becoming a better me, physically, mentally/emotionally and socially.

I don’t know that life would have gone differently for me after high school.  It is my belief that the life I have made into existence was meant to be, one way or the other.  This is the power of inevitability for the sake of survival.  The cycle of my agitated and depressed mind that had accumulated from early childhood to college was meant to be broken for the sake of survival. Seeing a therapist, psychiatrist and endocrinologist to start hormone replacement therapy to create a happy and healthy life inside of me were all for the sake of survival.  And finally, on the surface, going to the gym was meant for survival, as it is a good way to stay clear from falling into depression again – one way of many ways.

My goal is to continue onward in this life-changing journey, striving to better myself each day.  I send out my gratitude for all those involved -- those who have supported me, who have been there with me and for those who will to continue to live side by side with me as we watch each other grow into the people we were meant to be.

Thank you to all my family, friends and relatives.  I would especially like to thank my dad, who has made a full 180 in his support of me, which I never saw coming until it was right around the corner.  Each day I draw inspiration from him as he is the epitome of an open-minded individual who knows only love for those closest to him.