Summer Laziness is out to kill ya

You want to know something sad? I tell myself never to indulge too much and I still do. I don’t even bother to listen to myself sometimes. I don’t know. I’m weak that way. I was thinking this the other night, or morning rather, as I laid in bed after an hour of constant motion, delightful mind-wandering time. I knew for sure what time it was. I didn’t need to look at my watch to check. The brightening sky told me. I laid there and told myself to not do this again – staying up late and waking up late – because there are so many more things to do in the morning than at night. I really started off this summer on the wrong foot – the one that doesn’t know how to balance right nor when it’s time to place itself down firmly.

I say that I want to be an English teacher, but I’m not really motivated. I’m motivated by the superficial stuff about being a teacher – the paid vacations. Sure I like English (it's my favorite subject) and writing, but sometimes I’m just too damn lazy to do or participate in any of those things. Sometimes I just want to listen to music and watch anything funny and worthwhile. Sometimes I just want to play the guitar. To play songs that I already know so I don’t have to look up new chords. The piano! I used to love making new songs, and in the beginning, when I first got the new one (the $200 one) I was so excited, that songs just came to me rolling off the tips of my arms and down to my fingers. Now, I find that making songs on the piano is so difficult. I told myself that this summer was going to be the summer of song-making because I just took a music class. Now, I’m too lazy to even look back at my easy music text book, which was more of practice booklet anyway.

I’m telling you all this because, as a friend in whom I know I can confide, I want to be totally honest and open. “Openness is a boundless sky with a single bird left to fly. Nice and natural. Like how it should be.” – me. Now you know I’m weak for indulgence. I let it push me and slap me in the face. Last summer, I was so determined. I ran every day. This summer, I didn’t even begin running. Well, I did, but I was easy on myself. Also, consider my vocabulary out the window. The word of the day calendar isn’t helping, or rather I’m not letting it help me. I read the words every morning as I eat breakfast, but then I don’t use it during the day.

The bottom line is that I need to get my act together. But where do I get the motivation from? Even as I’m writing this, I know that I won’t get myself out of this whole.

. . . Not with this attitude! This is making me feel down in the dumps! I don’t like it. So, I’m gonna stand up against it. I’m going to do something about all this. I’m my own governor of my own city of a body and make everything work and happen.

And by the way, the motivation is from myself:
“I have found myself in the house of temptation – that of rebellious hebetude. What is stronger than I that can pull myself out of this devilish household and out into the streets of free control and discipline? Myself and no one nor nothing else! And I will succeed, yes?! And I will succeed, yes?! And I will succeed – YES!” – me.

“The Battle has won with all these things that I’ve done.” – The Killers.

The next time you hear from me, I'll be a better person, I promise.