Good-intentioned Rebel

As I waited for Steph to come out of her photo shoot in Gilly Hicks and as I was watching workers coming out of the Smith Haven Mall (in which Gilly Hicks operates), I started think about the kinds of people who work in stores like Gilly Hicks. I started think of it in a dirty light – one that’s surrounded by infectious, annoying flies and yellow-speckled, old mold from who knows where. Partially because they took away my Tiger from me for a much longer time than they said they would, in the photo shoot. In that nasty, naughty thought mentality, came the accurate insults against the Gilly Hicks and preppy, fake store workers of the world, or at least on Long Island. I felt an intense, almost stereotypical hatred of them as I thought that I can beat any of those workers in any physical competition – all of them, because they are all the same because they all work there. But not Steph. Steph is different because she grew up with me. No, Steph is a different breed in disguise. Are all these feelings a type of ethnocentrism or anti-socialism or egotism? Possibly. But that’s how I feel, and as Jason Mraz says, “feelings are no accident.” But I know in all honesty that people who work in these kinds of stores are probably nice people who just like clothes or needed a job and took one there. That or they got recruited, like Steph.

Switching subjects now. My goal for disciplining myself has turned into a war against my uglier self. I said I’d write in you as a whole new and better person the next time you see me. Truth is, I tried and I really did. No, that’s a lie. I allow myself three lies per day. I try to make them small. Don’t worry, I know when it’s appropriate and not appropriate to lie, don’t get me wrong. Why? Why do I let myself lie three times a day? Simply put, lying keeps my life fresh. And sometimes lies reveal things about myself – just like the one I just told previously, which by the way is the third one for today, so I have to keep clean until tomorrow. I didn’t really try to discipline myself but I like to say I did. But that’s cheating. Cheating! It tastes so good sometimes! But I am stronger than that. it's a mind over body kind of thing. But then it's life and how I want to live it. This is final, it's a compromise, a balance if you will, against evil and good, but the good is overarching because I'm the boss. It may not make sense to you but it makes all the sense to me. Try to interpret it your way. I'll see my end result when I come face to face with the man upstairs, at the end of this complicated yet worthwhile road.

In all purposes, I see myself as a good-intentioned rebel.