Almost free

Itching to be launched, released and freed. Pining to lift up, unburdened. Dying to walk aimlessly – on purpose. This is how I feel at the moment, when finals are the only things stopping me from the total relaxation and carefreeness that come with the winter break. Already I’ve caved in a little, indulging myself in something that was once thought to be just one of many threats to man’s sanity: reading.

If I remember correctly from what one of my favorite professors told me of the people of the earlier ages, several ways a person could grow insane, or mad, include: love, compulsive reading and yearning for knowledge. With regards to love, a person may have too strong emotions that he or she can’t handle when in love with someone. In many Shakespearean plays for example, there are countless characters who kill themselves for their long lost love, or who faint at the thought of losing their lover. With regards to reading, a person may not be able to stop themselves from taking in those word-filled pages, as if they were addicted to them. Yearners for knowledge or wisdom literally couldn’t live their life without learning. All these people’s felt deeply unsatisfied, and so the process of satisfying themselves took over their lives and inevitably caused them to go insane. This is actually one of the reasons I didn’t want to be a philosopher. I didn’t want to go crazy. I knew that changing the way I view the world so drastically by looking at it with philosophical, logical eyes would corrupt, and essentially end, my ignorant bliss. But still, it’s nice to tap into that mode or – more accurately – rush, of trying to satisfy your insatiable soul, every once in a while. Doing so breathes excitement into life, as well as rebelliousness, and lends a check on the list of things to do in life before you die.

I’m not saying I’m on the road to insanity – oh, hell no – I’m just saying that sometimes it’s fun to engage in some indulgence when you have the time . . . as I do during the winter break. “Lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from evil.” Oh how there is a big BUT for all those who are imperfect. Temptation is everywhere. It’s outside our bodies and inside our minds. It’s as strong as the Hulk, yet so subtle; you could imagine the Hulk wearing an invisibility cloak so that when it passes by, you feel a slight swish against your body that piques your curiosity. And then you follow it. Several times I have been tempted to buy things right after I get my pay check. And during those times I’ve caved, to be honest. In fact, I’ve found it hard to go straight home after tutoring because Borders or Barnes and Nobles are along the way. That and the fact that Ate Sherry often picks me up from my tutoring area and I drop her off at either Borders or Barnes and Nobles so she could study there with her friend, Jeremy, before I drive myself home. But while I’m there, I kind of do a little shopping – for myself.

So, when I walked into Barnes and Noble today, with a fresh twenty in my pocket (my hand of course was in that pocket, holding the twenty, for I knew I won’t be able to touch it for long), I felt my heart pumping as a waft of fresh new books entered my system, clouding me with regret from the soon-to-be indulgence.

Needless to say, there are several new additions to my humble library in my room. Some contemporary, some science fiction, and a coming-of-age book (I have a soft spot for that subject). They only further what books and anthologies of short stories I have already on my bookshelf, accrued from semesters of English classes. In an attempt to combat the short attention span I have when reading, I made sure that the new books I have bought will only encourage me to read more books instead of short stories because, you see,if you give me a book, chances are, it’ll collect dust unless it’s super interesting to me; but, if you give me an anthology of short stories, I’ll most likely devour it -- however slowly it may take me, for I do like reading a little each night so that I have some more reading the next night.

There is a method to my madness, but no, I’m not going insane like those earlier people.